RE: New.

In response to The Daily Post’s weekly photo challenge: “New.”

Little tidbit about me– I adore the sky. I love photos of the sky, I love the various colors a sky can have, I love looking at it even when it hurts my eyes because it’s so bright. Little little tidbit– this is also a remnant of my weeaboo phase. This fascination¬†in particular comes from a show released in 2005 called Air. You may have seen it mentioned already from the drawing I plan on posting three days ago in celebration of the show’s 10 year anniversary. If I did not post anything on January 6, 2015, then I have failed you.

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“Wow, Ven! That gif is so beautiful, now your picture is looking a little ‘eh.'” Yes, thank you.

The show stars a lonely girl named Misuzu, with eyes as blue as the sky, and a heart just as bright as the sun in the sky.

Now that the new year is starting, facts that were once easily dismissed are being dragged forcibly to the front of my mind. I am graduating with a 4-year university degree, perhaps in the top 10% of my class. I will be starting the masters program later this year. I am going to be starting a full-time job, salary and all! My little brother is turning 20, and my baby brother is turning 15(!). I have a half-sister who will be turning four this year(!!). My stepdad will be turning 40 this year(!!!). My 20-lb cat and his fraternal twins that live with my dad will be six years old this year, even though Beetlejuice acts just as spoiled as the day we found him in the gutters.

So why did I post a picture of the sky? Why not a picture of my siblings, of my family, of my cats?

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I want to be as bright as the sky.

Living with major depressive disorder is no easy feat, especially when it’s a crippling neurological disorder you can only explain to others as “I’ve always been this way, really.” Yes, I’ve always been quiet and sullen, even on half a gram of antidepressants. People with my illness are not expected to be successful. We are not expected to talk about how we feel fatigued every moment of every day, how our lethargy is not apathy or disdain for the world, it’s just a fact we deal with. You are not to mention how something as minuscule as a red balloon can trigger a flood of memories from high school and keep you in bed for the rest of the day. Many times, the only way I can cope with my lethargy is to retreat into the background and keep my eyes away from the sun. The shadows are comforting, they are familiar and easy to find, but they are cold. I want to step out and into the warmth of the sky. I want to drown in others’ sunshine and find a way to make the sky’s brightness my own.

That’s my goal for 2015.

Actually, it’s mostly to lose some weight and work on my stand up comedy routine, but it’s also this.

There is a drowsy state, between sleeping and waking, when you dream more in five minutes with your eyes half open, and yourself half conscious of everything that is passing around you, than you would in five nights with your eyes fast closed and your senses wrapt in perfect unconsciousness.